Finding Myself in a List

October is ADHD* Awareness Month. I didn't know that before this year. I know it now because of an emailed newsletter from a friend who is a professional organizer. Usually, I pick up a tip or two from the newsletter and so I began to read and when I got to this part, I felt the spark of recognition:

Do you have 1,000 or more emails in your in box?  Do you spend your day triaging email instead of doing your actual work and addressing your priorities?  Are you frequently missing deadlines?  Are you consistently running a few minutes to an hour late?  Do you have "shiny object syndrome"?  If you answered YES to at least one of these, I can help! (emphasis added) Destination Organization - October 2015 Newsletter 

It was the comment about "shiny object syndrome" that caught my eye. For the past 18 years or so, if my husband wanted to avoid a conversation or get me to change subjects, he'd say - "look, something shiny." Believe it or not, it would often work and get me off track.  But wait!!! - ADHD is mostly in hyperactive boys. Okay, maybe a few girls get it too - but you GROW OUT OF IT!? Right??? Thankfully, I read on.

There are many facets to ADHD therefore not all the tips and resources will apply to everyone.  Think about which areas are most difficult for you and read the resources for that area.  That will narrow it down and save you from hyper-focusing on researching material that may not be helpful to you!

Signs and Symptoms:

• Procrastination

• Space disorganization

• Task initiation struggles

• Task completion struggles

• Impulsive

• Bored easily

• Distracted easily

• Hyper-focus

• Compulsive behavior

• Hyperactivity

• Sensory processing differences

• Emotional regulation problems

I was checking off way too many of the symptoms - all but hyperactivity.  This serendipitous email led me to read more about Adult ADHD, especially in women.  In fact, I got extremely hyper-focused on the research and it seemed like I found myself in just about every article, chapter, story, blog post and book about adult women and ADHD.  Most striking was the description that hyperactivity often expresses itself as being hyper-cognitive, over-talking and oversharing (which I like to think of as "foot in mouth disease").  BINGO! 

Within a few days of intensive reading and processing and thinking about my life- I KNEW this was me and that it had almost always been me - even as a child. It was both a HUGE relief and it made me so ANGRY!  How could this have been missed for so long, especially when I was in therapy and already on medications? What would my life be like if I had known that this was a huge part of the reason I always felt disconnected and broken, even though my life is pretty damn great. All the time wasted beating myself up and blaming others.  

I think it will take some time to completely move on from the sense of loss - but after reading about a woman that was not diagnosed until her 80's I decided to focus on moving forward, making the second half of my life a mission and getting this shit figured out! 

*I'll get in to the ADHD/ADD debate later - but for now, ADHD is the shorthand for the "official" diagnosis - but I find it confusing and misleading, especially since I don't have the classic hyperactivity.